Life is shit. Today. My purse broke, i fell in front of some of the guys i like(which was funny, yet i dont enjoy public humilliation..)and just sat in self pity which is my problem, not yours.I had a meet yesterday and it was alright, my time was bad, but so was everybodys.

My thoughts lately have been more set of feeling bad for myself, which is stupid cause my life isnt bad. I just usually have that oh so typical teen-age sulking where i sit around and wonder the "why doesnt he like me" thing. I really shouldn't and i am stupid for doing it. I like a couple guys who are in 9th, and i dont know if they like me, but i dont think so. I also dont talk to them. Its not like i am friends with them, so i really wouldnt know what to say(if i did talk to them.)Which i dont, and i dont know why i dont. I am so afraid of being rejected i wont even take a chance, i think thats my problem. I have confidence, i just cant talk to people i dont know that easy. I see alot of people just saying "hi" but for me its not that easy. I wish i just could say something. I have liked most of them for about a year, and they seem to go for different types of people. I'm not popular(whatever the hell that is...) and i really dont care.I have friends obviously but i'm not. I can be bitchy on occasion but I'm a nice girl. I say that with sort of a bittersweetness. I would never change for anyone for any reason. But guys dont like "nice" girls. Theres always those that everybody likes, and i'm not saying that all of them are mean but, they are certainly not "nice" They are so pretty, and thats all that matters to them. It doesnt matter if their stupid as a rock, or have not personality, though i'm sure some of them do. I keep this girl next store image, and i envy people that speak their mind on whatever pops into it, and dont give a damn with what people think. I for the most part dont care, but i wish i could just not care at all. I want guys to like me, i've had boyfriends before, they dont really count. I want one that i REALLY like, and likes me. That i feel confertable with, and can tell stuff to. I wonder if i'll ever have that because i am so closed, it takes me a long time to open up to someone.

Then again everyone wants what they cant have, and i'm not even sure of what i want all the time. Well i'll cut my self pity here, untill i write again.

Love

Aliss